I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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