I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
