Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
