i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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