Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
