He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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