would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
