omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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