Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
