she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
