I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
