Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
