Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
