I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
