Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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