I heard we made out
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Randomize
