I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
