you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
