I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
