census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
