Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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