I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
