I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
