Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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