I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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