I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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