Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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