he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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