There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
