dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I lost the right to judge tonight
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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