the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
