upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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