By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
