I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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