Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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