Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
