my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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