i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
