I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We left an ass print on the piano.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
