eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
