I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
my poor anus
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
