We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he puts the penis in happiness.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
