I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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