I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
