i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
