Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
