We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
