I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
