How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
