We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
