I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
why does every cop we meet know your name?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
