Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
